Ages 1-10: Daddy’s little princess. Truly believes she is a princess thanks to Disney branding. Sexually attracted to daddy. Wonders why Ken doesn’t have a penis like her father. Believes she will save all the kittens of the world. Makes both friends and enemies with other females by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about other females.
Ages 10-20: Begins to believe she is now smarter than daddy. Feels confused and awkward over her bleeding private parts. Sexually attracted to guys who hurt and belittle her. Believes she is fat regardless of whether she actually is or not. Believes she will save all the puppy dogs of the world. Makes both friends and enemies with other females by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about other females. Learns to drive on her parents Volvo.
Ages 20-30: Is confused sexually and has her first female sexual experience. Fantasizes about a black male raping her. Believes she will save all the disadvantaged, indigenous brown people of the world. Learns that daddy is only good for his credit cards. Becomes a “Feminist”. Makes both friends and enemies with other females and homosexual males by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about other females and strong, heterosexual white males with athletic body types. Can finally buy her first iPhone with college loan money. Daddy buys her a used AWD Subaru Outback.
Ages 30-40: Marries a strong, heterosexual white male with an athletic body type and has 2.5 children. Daddy has basically given up on her. Believes she can save the Parent-Teacher organization at her children’s elementary school, including all the other bitchy mothers’ children. Believes that Europe is amazing and has all the answers even though she’s never been there. Yoga. Believes Whole Foods has great produce. Avocados. Kirkland vodka. Fights plastic bags at local grocery store. Buys her 12th iPhone and a midsize Audi SUV. Considers cheating on her husband with her boss. Makes both friends and enemies by engaging in spiteful petty gossip.
Ages 40-50: Divorces strong, heterosexual white husband with round body type who never wants to have sex with her anymore. Takes the children and scores huge divorce settlement even though she doesn’t need it. Believes she can save her children from her ex-husband. Fantasizes about Aaron Rodgers even though she would never let her children play football because it was too dangerous. Her children’s generation calls her a “Karen” because she’s now a ridiculous middle aged white woman who is addicted to percocets and Chardonnay. Extremely lonely. Finally travels to Europe and finds out that it stinks like a 2000 year old sewer pipe. Buys a SMART Car and breaks down in tears at the dealership over her miserable life. Blames her Salesman.
Ages 50-60: Daddy dies and she inherits most of his generational wealth. She becomes a sugar mamma to a broken down same-age black male who once scored 42 points on his community college basketball team. All of her other privileged white friends think she is “so brave”….age 20-30 year old sexual fantasy is finally fulfilled. They take a cruise ship to Alaska and she is amazed to discover that the ocean isn’t actually loaded with plastic like her calming NPR radio shows always told her it is. Starts smoking. Has her lips done. Buys a Volvo. Super indulges her grandchildren simply to piss off their parents. Makes both friends and enemies with others by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about her own adult children.
Ages 60-70: Drinks a LOT. Gets a cat. Gets another cat. Starts watching local news. Breaks a hip. Gets new hip. Buys all of her grandchildren a new Volvo. Makes both friends and enemies by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about whoever her local news media personalities tell her to.
Ages 70-80: Wears diapers. Gets driver’s license taken away. Smokes a pack a day. Dearly misses the now deceased strong, heterosexual white ex-husband and tells everyone she “wishes things went differently”. Stares out of her kitchen window a lot. Loses her glasses a lot even though they are on her head. First cat dies in her lap while watching local news. Gets teeth implants for some reason. Makes both friends and enemies with people by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about the other elderly people that live with her at the Shady Trees Retirement Community. Becomes a Christian.
Ages 80-90: Realizes her life was pointless and that she accomplished nothing of great worth while making both friends and enemies with others by engaging in spiteful petty gossip about them.
Ages 90-100: Misery and agonizing daily pain.
Age 103: Dies of a raging stroke while in the middle of engaging in spiteful petty gossip about other people while giving an interview on local news station on how to live a long and prosperous life.
